The Bestest Friend A Girl Could Have

So it's been over six years since Mike passed away and it took forever to be able to sit down and write this page. It's really hard sometimes because I can't believe he's gone and then when I think of him, like in great detail, the pain of losing him explodes. I think of him almost every day but then there are days that I haven't thought of him all day, which brings tremendous guilt. Those are the days I feel like I've forgotten him.. or started to. That scares me.

For those of you who didn't know Mike, he was honestly was the most amazing man I have ever known. There is this idea that once someone dies, they get put up on a pedestal but he really was an amazing guy in life and in death. His qualities are too many to list but I have to say that he was the funniest smart ass I've ever met. He always made me laugh and we always had so much fun together.

I met Mike through my friend Aimee entirely by accident. I bought two tickets to Sharksfest, one for her and me but it ended up she was going to be out of town that weekend. I didn't have any other hockey whores (TM) so when she suggested Mike, who was also a co-worker of ours, I thought, what the hell. He said sure and we ended up having a great time there. My first thought that he was funny as hell and it was one of those times when you laugh or smile so much your face hurts.

I didn't think of him "romantically" at that time and I believe he was seeing someone too. (Later on, I found out she was a psycho - she actually slashed his tires) After Sharksfest, we started hanging out a lot mainly because we both worked similar hours at Costco. Before too long, we were going to the movies a couple times a week, going out to eat all the time or just plain hanging out, doing stupid shit together. Mike introduced me to this used CD store called Streetlight and we would dig though the bins for hours finding must have CDs. Mike had this incredible love of music which eventually rubbed off on me - opening my mind to more than just alternative. He shared my love for food - and he also an amazing cook and BBQer, so we'd always play about in the kitchen as well.

Well, you know how things go once you've started hanging out with someone and everything goes well. I pretty much fell head over heels for him. I hadn't really dated much since my last boyfriend, John and so I pretty much sat on my feelings for a long long time. I was scared of getting hurt again and especially with John being the cheat that he was and how he totally took advantage of me financially, I wasn't in any hurry even though I really liked him. It was about 8 months before I got up the nerve to say anything .... before that, we had flirted like crazy back and forth before then but it never progressed to anything physical.

It was about a week before Halloween and Mike asked if I could help him with his costume. I have sewn costumes when I was in the SCA, so I said of course and he came over. I helped him with his costume and when he said that he was going to go home, somehow I got the nerve to tell him he didn't have to. I think it took him a minute to realize what I was saying but when he did, we were basically all over each other. It was a REALLY good night.

So that was the beginning of it all... and I would love to say it was just peaches and cream but it wasn't. We drove each other absolutely nuts at times and you always hurt the ones you love the most. The truly amazing thing is that we forgave each other almost immediately and it didn't matter what the fight was about. We just knew that we couldn't stay mad at one another. Mostly because of our strong friendship ....

Even though we were the best of friends and I loved him more than anything in the world, he wasn't my boyfriend at the time of his death. He couldn't stand the thought of leaving a "girlfriend" behind and it would have just added more stress to an already stressful situation.

There was also this issue of him still being madly in love with his first girlfriend. What was sad was that he probably always had hoped that they would get back together - even if he beat the cancer. And as much as I loved him and knew I'd be good for him, I was prepared to let him go should he choose her. Unfortunately, he never got to make that choice. I pretty much hated that he loved her still, because she was always playing these mind games with him. She didn't really care for him in the way he cared for her - she just strung him along because he was that guy who'd always be there for her. No matter what.

It was more than a few times that he dropped everything we had to go back to her, which hurt more than anything but I loved him so much that I always forgave him. I also think I was still broken at the time because now if that happened, he'd never be let off the hook. Who knows if they would have ended up together and that she really would have loved him back ... thanks to the cancer, none of us will never found out.

What makes me hate her more today than anything is that during the entire time he was going through chemo, she was never there for him. And that's all he wanted - was to know that his friends were there for him if he needed them. But she never was ... the only time she called him was if she had some kind of bullshit drama in her life. I was with him almost every day for those 13 months.. through the surgery, chemo and stem cell transplant - and I would have never leave. Even up to his death... and that little wench was never there for him until he was dying.

Anyways... before I go off ranting some more. It's hard to move on when someone you love dies. There are so many reminders of them. For the longest time, I couldn't go to the movies with anyone, I had to go alone. Music, Everquest, even chinese food would bring on this immense sadness that would stop me dead in my tracks. It's hard to function when all you do is avoid the things you love doing. For the longest time, I really didn't know how I was going to go on without him.

But days go by and you keep putting one foot in front of another. There is no sense in their death and no answers really to be found. I did learn though that you have to do what you want and not look back. Regret is such a waste of time ... and so is hesitation. If you have someone in your life that you love, I urge you to tell them that you love them as much as you can. You really don't know when they'll be taken from you or you from them..... And the same thing goes for anyone who is holding back out of fear. You never know what the future holds and the longer you hesitate, the less time you have. I'm still learning this but I'm a lot less afraid now than I ever was. Life really is too damned short.

As I've dated, I found that trying to replace Mike is futile. I can look for his qualities and hope to find someone who's as much of an outstanding man as he was. One of the things I learned from him, our relationship and his death is that you don't have to settle. There are certain things about him that I loved dearly and because of our relationship, I know that they are the things that I can't do without. People say that it's being too picky but I think if you're going to spend the rest of your life with someone, you should have a definite idea of who you want to be with.

The one thing that I'll always look for in my future relationship is that you really have to have a friendship. Our friendship was the most amazing base for the relationship. I think that it was the friendship that made dealing with everything possible ... from the chemo to his ex. Because of this friendship, for the first time in my life, I knew unconditional love. No strings, no expectations. It truly was the most amazing thing.

Mike's heart was so big when it came to his friends and family. And during that time he was my friend, he showed me more love than I have known my entire life. For that, I will love him for the rest of my life and am thankful I had the chance to know him. I will always miss him with all my heart and every day, wish he was still here enjoying life. But those are just wishes ... so I try to more forward, I continue to live ... and do everything that I want to do ... for Mike, for me and because I know he'd kick my ass if I didn't.