More Meanderings...

November 2002:

Things have gotten a lot better since last month... time heals all wounds, right? I'm a very sensitive person and definitely "feel" things deeper than most the people I know. So when a person hurts me, it really hurts... but after a while, the pain lessens and I move on. It's nice to have moved on... the pain was killing me.

Since Mike's death, I've spent a lot of time thinking about relationships and interaction with people. During Mike's battle with cancer, I never thought twice about sacrificing my wants and needs for him. That is pretty much how I am. I tend to give more than I get... but we all have our own little trademarks, right? But after his death, I was exhausted. Emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

When the reality of Mike being gone hit, I withdrew a lot more than I thought. I had cut off a lot of people in my life without even knowing it and recently, thanks to my ex, I have pulled out of my shell and looked around. Not only did I still find my close friends that I had neglected (even though they understood) but I'm finding new friends as well. It's amazing when you open your heart, you do get three times as much back.

We all seem to walk around this world with the same fears as everyone else but think that we are the only ones who feel this way. And even though it may affect me different than the person next to me, we all really do feel those same feelings. Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? Will this person like me? Why do I feel so alone even when surrounded by people? Why is life so hard? At one point or another, we have all thought these things. Some might not be affected as much by how people perceive them as others but they have thought about it.

So why do we retreat within ourselves when the first thing we should do is reach out for others? Why is it so hard to ask for help or lean on another for support? Is it pride? Or is it a natural reaction to try to resolve all our problems on our own, which in time may make us stronger but what happens when we encounter a problem that we cannot resolve on our own? Are we smart enough to recognize that we cannot resolve it on our own?

When we hit rock bottom, lost in the pain and suffering of our own doing or life's constant blows of disappointments, it seems it's imbedded in our way to suffer alone. When pride has become such a blinding force that we feel weak by not being able to solve things on our own, it is a dangerous line to find yourself at. It would be easy to stay there and suffer alone due to our pride. But that pride can slowly kill you because it's misleading you. Human nature can be humane. It is also imbedded in our ways to naturally want to help our fellow man. When haven't you felt for that family who's house burned on Christmas day or a family that has lost a child? It's exactly that humane part of us that we need to nurture and help one another more. Perhaps if we gave more than what we got, we wouldn't have to walk around this world feeling so alone.