| October 2002: My boyfriend of maybe six months or so recently ended our relationship and it put me into this mind-frame of trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm pretty sensitive and ruled by my emotions, so when stuff like this happens, I tend to try to analyze it to try to figure out how I can do better or some lesson that I should have learned. I usually have a set of rules that I try to stick with for dating. One big rule is that they need to be older than I am. Partly because I have gone through so much in my life already and feel older than I am in some ways. And I'm probably a little more jaded than I should be. That's the major rule... the other rules are stuff like he should be a non-smoker, have some basic gentlemanly habits (like opening the door for you, etc) and it's best if we have a few things in common. Just a few basic things. Back in January, I started chatting with a guy that I worked with and he didn't meet most of these rules. He was younger I was; a smoker and pretty much didn't have a clue how to treat a girl. When he asked me out, I thought he was kidding. My first knee jerk reaction was NO WAY; there were just too many adversities. But then... this little voice in the back of my head said "Why not? What do you have to lose?" (On a future note, this little voice may be gagged for my own good) So the little voice was listened to and I gave this guy a chance. Unfortunately, it wasn't the most stable of relationships but it did have a few high points. But then again, there were some low points too. Now, here I am after all of it, trying to make sense of it. Although I'm partially glad that I took a chance and broke out of my own set of rules, I think maybe they were there for a reason. I haven't dated a lot of young guys but I probably will enforce this rule from now on. What really sucks right now is that I'm reminded of him a lot. Like earlier tonight, I made some those break-apart Nestle cookies. That was something we used to do together and then sit on his couch, lounging and eating them. It's those kind of memories that makes the pain of this heartbreak oh-so-real again. I had high hopes of this relationship actually making it. Even though we had some challenges, especially in the beginning and then at the end, I still believed we had a chance. He had this sort of honesty that made me trust him. And I loved him for it. Often I think of how good it was at the high points, when we were together doing the simple stuff like having his car washed and browsing the sci-fi books at Barnes and Noble. Or when I took him to his first hockey game and he gave me this analyzation of sports that I would have never thought of. There was another time, which is actually my fondest, of when we spend all night talking and basically learning each other's life story. Although this was a drug enhanced night, it is still my fondest memory of us. The relationship ended when I pushed the issue of him not spending enough time with me. Granted, I didn't take into consideration that he was still working on some computer/networking issues at home and doing some contract work for a friend... but I felt he wasn't giving me any time or love, which I needed. I lost patience waiting for him to give me some attention. Amusingly enough now, I'm terribly busy with school and if I would have waited a few weeks, I would be just as busy as he was then. In fact, I would probably be sitting in his apartment on his other couch across from him doing homework while he worked on his computer stuff right now. An argument of his was that I didn't understand his work, which I didn't. He'd start going into some detail of some kind of problem at work and he might as well have been speaking another language. Again, amusingly enough... this quarter, I had signed up for UNIX class to help me better understand his job and his love of computers. If it bothered him that I didn't know anything about his work... I wanted to make an effort to understand it. I wanted to show him that I cared about what he did and loved. I also thought he would be able to help me with homework and the class... which would have probably brought us closer together again. The last but funniest in a sad way, is that because I've been so stressed about the breakup and school... and life in general, I started smoking again. I'm not smoking a lot but it's a bit ironic considering how I pushed for him to stop smoking. A friend of mine told me once that I needed to stop giving everything I had in a relationship; to stop loving with all of my heart and giving all that I had. He suggested that if I pulled back some or didn't give my all, when I got dumped or when the relationship ended, I wouldn't be hurt as badly. In all honesty, I don't understand that train of thought. Why would you hold back? It's like dooming the relationship before it even gets a chance; it's like its not worth all your effort. I can't do it. It's not who I am or how I love. I'd like to think one day that I'll hit that love jackpot. All that effort, that complete love that I have given to someone else will be returned in full. It's the only hope I have so how can I stop believing in it? Sadly enough, this guy has eliminated me from his life, cutting off all contact. I think that's the hardest part for me to take. I sometimes curse that little voice for telling me to take a chance or even myself for being so stupid to believe that he could love me like I loved him. But deep down, I'm glad that I took that chance even if I try to pretend that I don't. And in hindsight, like always, I probably would have done things a little differently. I would have tried to have more patience... something that I promised him but seemed to fail to deliver. So what's the moral of the story? Do I listen to that inner voice or do I stick to the tried and true? Do I continue to love with all of my heart and take that chance of being hurt like this all over again? Or do I hold back, being conservative and wait to see if the other person loves me first? Would I do this again, if given a chance to go back to that moment when I listened to my inner voice? Yea, I probably would. I don't think you get anywhere in life or even love doing anything half-assed. And if you don't listen to that little inner voice every so often, you'll probably miss out on a lot. I am sorry that we're no longer together... I'm even more sorry that we're not talking or part of each other's lives even as friends.... but I'm not sorry that I took that chance and went out with him, even if it ended. In all the muddling through the challenges we had, I did have some fun with him. I just have to keep thinking, maybe next time, I'll hit that jackpot. If you don't play, you can't win, right? |
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