If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it!

~ Jonathan Winters

Soooo first off - what a game. The Sharks played amazingly tonight and I have to say even though I doubted the acquisition of JR in the beginning of the season, he's proved me wrong time and time again. Tonight was just another one of those nights. So onto Round 2 - and this round is going to be a toughie.

Secondly - I went with Joel to the game tonight and during the 2nd intermission, I had a revelation. I have this deep sinking fear he was cheating on me near the end of our relationship. He mentioned in passing that he hoped the first game for Round 2 wasn't Wednesday because he had plans. I joshed him a little bit about it because what could possibly be more important than hockey? When he replied he had made previous plans to go running with a "friend" - I knew this "friend" was a woman. And me being me, I asked for more information.

He said he met her on Craigslist and they were just "running buddies" but my heart just sank. It explains all the nights he said he was out running - even though I was doing homework and couldn't see him anyways, I think those nights could be nights he was cheating on me. It definitely would explain the lack of sex ... or the lack of interest in me. And it would explain the "picking" of a fight in Vegas.

While I know things really sucked between us for a while - I never cheated on him. Oh believe me, I thought about because I needed some serious sex quite a few times. But I wouldn't do that because I didn't want anyone to feel the way I feel now. All that time I was patient with him and his lack of "experience" in the relationship department and this is how I'm repaid. I'm not sad it's over between us but more so about being cheated on. Again. I feel so betrayed.

What is it about me that enables guys to cheat on me without a second thought? It's not like I'm a freaking prude. I mean - I love sex. I love it... but somehow, almost every time the guy I'm dating has to fuck around with someone else. She doesn't even have to be super hot!! I swear it's these moments in life that I fucking hate. These are the moments that make you feel like you're going to break. All the self doubt - the sadness - man it just kills me. Knowing he cheated just breaks my heart because even with the "nice guys" there is no such thing as faithfulness. At least when I'm a factor in the equation....

So how do I not let this change me and make doubt everyone I become involved with? How do you prevent serious baggage? How do I not become bitter and fucking hate men for hurting me over and over again like this? God, I'm just so crushed. It fucking sucks.

I sat there the whole third period stunned. I dropped him off at his house and thought for a brief second how wonderful it would feel to run him over ... but just left. And now I'm just sad. I knew he was a stupid, clueless boy but I had no idea he could be heartless.