September 3, 2007:

Don't bother about genius. Don't worry about being clever. Trust to hard work, perseverance and determination.
~ Sir Frederick Treves

It's been a long weekend. While it has been a much needed long weekend - it's been long nonetheless. Sometimes I just need time to chew on all my thoughts. Time to get feedback from friends. The time to lose it and then piece myself together again.

I'm really bothered about losing out on the lead position at work. It really has shook up my world. And while I am pissed/sad/disappointed I didn't get the position, the worst part is that I really don't care about my job anymore. And that really bothers me. Don't get me wrong - not caring doesn't mean I won't do a good job. I will do a good job because I have integrity but ultimately, I don't really care about the company's "success" anymore. I liked caring ... I liked being "part of the team." But right now? All I can muster up is the feeling of thank you very much for the paycheck.

After a long talk last night, it came to light that some of my actions at work would have painted me in a less than capable light for the position. Sadly these actions aren't painfully obvious mistakes like fucking up a project or being absent all the time. These actions that may have hindered me are taking charge of the birthdays - getting the cakes and arranging the "celebrations." Or the fact that in my spare time I love to bake. And I usually bring all the goodies to work. But in the process of being "nice", I might have just painted myself as a glorified admin instead of a serious employee. But when put in that light, I have to ask myself - how do I want to be thought of? That person who always brought in the yummy cookies? Or the kick ass QA person? Yes, sir... no good deed goes unpunished.

It disheartens me that doing something nice or considerate can be considered a weakness. I care about my coworkers. I don't think we care enough about each other as human beings as a whole and apparently it's a plus to not care. Not buying birthday cakes isn't going to kill me - nor is bringing in baked goods. It just bothers me that doing those two harmless things painted me in a weak light.

I know I can't stay at my job. While I'm not going to quit for a lower paying, crappier job ... I do need to actively look because I don't think they think I'll leave. I guess it's not so much as I "can't" stay there ... I won't. Why stay in a relationship where you're not valued?

Anyways... that's what I've been pondering. And I'm not a very chipper camper because of that pondering. I feel badly for Joel because I'm really bummed ... and while I don't take it out on him, I just don't have a spring in my step and it affects him. I don't want everyone to be bummed... just me is fine!! Although winning the lottery would have been nice... I think I'd be pretty happy after that. I definitely would be calling in rich on Tuesday.

So I've spent most this weekend being a bum - and I know laying around isn't really helping. I would have loved to spend the last four days swimming but of course, they closed the pool for cleaning. But on Tuesday it will reopen and I'll start up again. Hockey starts this weekend too .... on Saturday, I'm taking lessons with Joel and on Sunday is the women's league. If I can't go to Sharks games, I'm going to play hockey instead! And hopefully between hockey and swimming, I'll continue dropping those evil pounds and getting into shape.

Even though I feel like complete crap, I know all these feelings of inadequacy will eventually pass. These bumps in life happen and while it sucks right now, I know it's temporary. Or at least I hope it is. The hardest part about these bumps is sometimes you lose sight of the temporary part and start focusing on whatever shit storms you've endured seem to be one long shit storm. I hope this shit storm passes soon because all I want is to be happy again.