July 28, 2007:

It is never too late to be what you might have been.
~ George Eliot

Wow. Catch up time again ... yet another long and interesting week.

When I was a kid, one of my earliest memories of my grandmother is cranking music and doing stuff around the house. She was kinda hard of hearing, so the music would be fairly loud. She'd play Frank Sinatra, Glenn Miller ... and Ella Fitzgerald. I was pretty young when she did this but it is one of my fondest memories of her.

Last Saturday, I went to the San Jose Rep and saw "Ella". It was a play on Ella's life - full of singing and story telling. It was great. No - it was awesome. The woman who played Ella was simply amazing .... and it was if she was channeling Ella herself. The whole performance was amazing ... and I've made up my mind to buy a subscription package for this coming season at the San Jose Rep simply because their plays are so great.

Most of the rest of the week was pretty uneventful. I'm continuing with swimming class and my fear of water is going away more and more. Now I just need to get things like rhythmic breathing down so I can do freestyle and do it right without trying to inhale underwater. That's fun the first time. One of my coworkers and I are going to a community center next week to check out their pool so we can start doing laps at lunchtime. My goal is to swim 3 days a week and work my way up to five days a week. Swimming laps actually makes me feel so much more "better" than working out at any gym.

I belonged to 24 Hour Fitness for years and never have I wanted to work out as much as I've wanted to swim. There are a couple reasons too .... swimming feels like an all over workout. And in a mere hour - I can burn 500-600 calories. That's amazing!! There are smaller things I've noticed like my ass is getting firmer, my biceps are even stronger and my back feels awesome. Now if I could only be skinny!

As for the interesting part of the week, Thursday morning I got out of bed and as I walked around it, my foot went sploosh. When I turned on the light, I discovered the corner of my room had about 1/2 inch of water. I frantically started blocking the water off so it wouldn't soak my 11x17 area rug which I really love. I mopped up the water with towels and after a little while, it was flooded again. When I got to the water main, it was so rusted I couldn't budge it to shut off all the water. Needless to say, I was a little stressed.

Joel had spent the night and at one point, he asked if there was anything he could do. I was in panic/stressed/WTF mode and so I just told him no... and then he went home. I was surprised he didn't realize I needed his help but at this point, I just wanted to keep my room under control so I didn't think much of it.

After about two hours of continuously mopping up water - it started getting worse and the water rose to about an inch. When I stopped mopping - I could hear water gushing behind the wall of my room. And I mean gushing ... like the wall was taking a shower. When I went outside, I saw water bubbling under the concrete in front of the house and knew it was more than just too much watering by the gardener.

When I shut off the valve to the faucet, the water slowed and that's when Rui's cousin and dad showed up. They looked at everything and assessed the pipes that are used in the lawn sprinkler system must have busted. But right before they showed up, I did something unusual and asked Joel for help.

For anyone who knows me - I like being independent and not "needing" anyone. I suppose it's a pride thing and ultimately a flaw in my personality ... but it's not without reason - it's because I don't want to ask for someone's help or support and be let down when they say no. What better way to never be let down by never putting yourself in a position where you need to rely on someone else - by never asking.

So anyways, I ask him for help and he does come over. He brings me what towels he has and then goes to Target to get me paper towels because I can't keep up with the water at this point. When he got back, we had shut off the valve and the water had slowed .... now all I needed to do was move my bedroom out, get the area rug out into the sun and clean up all the muddy water.

After bringing the towels, he asked again if there was anything he could do and again - I said no. Partially because I couldn't believe he was asking after I had already said I needed to move my bed and area rug out.... all such easy things to do on your own but also because if he couldn't figure it out, I wasn't going to give him a play by play. So he went home. Again.

I finally got everything moved and cleaned up ... and at this point, I had twisted my ankle slipping off the box spring when I moved the mattress and I was exhausted, cranky and hurt. And I can't tell you how surprised I was when he came back that evening ... I figured he wanted to be as far away from the situation as possible.

When he came back, I was still working on my room and needed to clean the rug due to the muddy water soaking up in it. It was semi-dry and so we went to Target to pick up some rug cleaner. When we got back to my place, he disappeared to the living room and I just sighed and went downstairs to clean the rug.

Basically - he did his own thing for the remainder of the evening while I fumed. And fumed. And fumed. And stewed. I was NOT a happy camper. When I started getting ready to go to bed, I figured it was stupid to continue to hold this in (like I usually do) and went to tell him how I felt. When I laid it all out, he was speechless because he thought he had been very supportive. And when I told him there was nothing for him to do, he took me at my word, which is understandable and thought I just wanted to do it all on my own.

After I told him I felt like he bailed on me, he was a little pissed to say the least. And I tried my best to explain that I couldn't give him step by step directions because I thought it was insulting. I wouldn't want to be like a child, coming back after completing a task and say "What next?!" But that's what he expects or needs.

Me? I'm completely different. If I go over to a house and say the host is struggling with the kitchen or house, I look around and see if there is anything I can do without being intrusive. That's just what I do. And yes, we all look at life based on our experiences or abilities and in a way, expect the same from others. It's hard to look through someone else's eyes but I think we all strive to do it. And while I am trying to do that with Joel - he doesn't know if he can do the same for me.

I don't want him to be a mind reader. That's not fair and if anything, setting him up for failure. But if I'm completely stressed - working, struggling and drowning under something - I am at a vulnerable state. And that state makes it almost impossible to ask for help. So what I tried to convey is that I need him to take notice of those moments and try to meet me halfway. But if anything, I think I scared the fuck out of him.

That was Thursday night. And since then, he's been a little distant/off/whatever. He says he's fine but it really feels like things are off. My biggest fear is that I've asked for something that will possibly improve our relationship ... or any relationship ... and he'll decide it's not worth it. He'll basically decide I'm not worth it. And that saddens me.

Yes - I know that if it ends, it's ending for a reason ... but it still saddens me. One more relationship that didn't work out. One more person that didn't think I'm the cat's meow. Is there ever going to be that person? And when will I be worth the effort? He hasn't said I'm not worth the effort or ended the relationship but I'm just afraid he will. And fuck me - I hate being afraid.

Anyways... last night I took Joel with me to see a Children's Musical Theater production of "The Leader of the Pack" and while it was pretty good, I don't think he really cared for it. It was a pretty nice evening even with all the "offness" and the evening ended with a public transit fiasco due to the San Jose Grand Prix. But we survived. He was surprised I wasn't irritated by the whole situation but it was just one of those things you can't control.

And that brings us to today.... I have an outline for a paper to write and various house things to do. I'm also going with Joel to help him clean out his cubicle at work at some point. I think I'll go to hockey tomorrow since the season is pretty much over ... I'm such a slacker. But overall, I think it's going to be a mellow weekend.

Oh.. and we got couches!! Yay for not sitting on the floor anymore. Even though the TV and entertainment center needs to be moved now. It just doesn't fit right with the couches now. Oh the woes of new furniture.

That's it for now... hope everyone is well!!