July 6, 2007:
Right actions for the future are the best apologies for wrong ones in the past.
~ Tyron Edwards
God it's been hot. Either it has been or I've become a complete pussy.
The funniest thing about the day after the 4th was I kept on thinking
it was Monday. At one point I just started laughing at myself because
it had been the third or fourth time I had thought it. And the time
before I had thought it was Monday was only about 20 minutes prior.
Whew. The heat must be melting my brain.
So about 3 hours after I text'd Joel the other night, he text'd me back
and said he missed me too. I figured updating my blog again would just
confirm my insanity so I left it where it was. Man some days are such a
roller coaster. And I'm so glad I was back at work for the last couple
so I could be happily distracted and not left alone with my thoughts.
Seriously.
Now it's the weekend and it's still considered a holiday, which is fine
by me. I like the sales. I'm going to finish painting my basement and
do some seriously cleaning - god I hate the dust. I also have homework
to do, along with some sorting of hockey cards - so hopefully with all
that - I'll be very busy and not be crazy withdrawal girlfriend. I
swear I'm not mental but man - sometimes I really feel like I lose grip
on shit. Is it just being female? Or is there deep rooted
fucked-upedness I'm not acknowledging? Whatever it is - wow.
I know it sounds crazy but I really don't like caring so much about
someone. It makes me feel so vulnerable. And I know in the long run,
it's good but those moments of "what the fuck am I doing exposing
myself" get me. Because nothing is really worse than loving someone
more than they love you and ultimately - getting hurt.
So one thing I have noticed about me and Joel is that we might have an
unrecoverable flaw. I'm pretty stubborn and don't like relying on
people. I don't like "needing" anyone because it makes me feel weak. So
if I do need something, I usually don't say anything and just swallow
it because I want them to offer it without me having to ask. Stupid. I
know. Almost impossible for anyone who's not a mind reader. And guess
what. There aren't that many mind readers.
Joel's flaw is that if you want or expect something from him, he won't
do it. It's his massive passive-aggressive flaw. He's not that bad ...
just in this case. So here you have me - who hates to ask for
something. And then you have him, who won't do what you ask just
because he doesn't want you to control him. So if I ask for something
... I must have reaaaally wanted it because I normally wouldn't ask but
regardless, he won't do it. because of the passive-aggressive thing.
What a fucking situation, eh?
The reason I bring this up is because on the 4th, he said maybe he
should call every day and wish me a happy whatever day. I told him that
would actually be nice ... so either he thought I was joking or ...
well, he's doing the passive-aggressive thing. And you don't know how
much I didn't want to tell him I wanted him to call. No idea. But I
did. I sucked it up and said, yea - it would be nice if he called. And
guess what? Nada.
I'm totally going to call him on his shit when he gets home ... cuz why
pick a fight when he's on vacation - it's just wrong. Should be
interesting... because really? That's so fucked up.
My roomie leaves for a month tomorrow. He's going to the Azores with
his father so it will be reaaaaally nice to have the house to myself.
I'd like to redo the artwork in the house along with install a tall
wine rack. We have this little storage room in the basement that would
actually be perfect for a wall of wine. Soooo... plenty to do over the
next month, in addition to swimming and the Journalism class. God I
hope I have some awesome results in getting in shape and weight loss.
Anyways... go Roger Federer at Wimbledon! It's magical stringing, I tell you.