February 16, 2007:
Trials, temptations, disappointments - all these are helps instead of hindrances, if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fibre of a character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weather in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.
~ James Buckham
Well it's been another few days since I've written anything. Hasn't been a few fun days either.
Let's start with Tuesday. Work has been hell - I have so much do to and just not enough time to do it. On top of all that, my tooth that had a temporary filling (not the one that just had the root canal) was sort of bothering me.
Fast forward to Tuesday night - I go home with the intent to watch the Sharks game, followed by finishing my proposal paper for class and then maybe work some. Wrong! For one reason or another, my tooth started to just throb. That throbbing lead to excrutiating pain shooting into my head. Yay. I took two vicadin, which should have put me into a coma but did nothing. I was up and down all night ... in major pain.
Wednesday comes and I am exhausted, in pain and bitter because my plans to do stuff were thrown off. I call my dentist and basically it comes down to me needing another root canal. Oh goodie. I work when I can but at about 3pm I go to the dentist for my root canal. It takes a couple hours and by this time I'm in no shape to go to class and blow it off. So I go over to Joel's - where he is playing with his new case of Upper Deck Series 2 hockey cards and hang out with him.
Joel's not exactly the romantic type. He's given me a card or two, left me a couple notes but honestly, I kinda expected something for Valentine's Day. I didn't get him much because I was pretty broke but I got him something. He got me nothing. Nada. Not even a card. And I tried really hard to blow it off but in all seriousness, it kinda hurt. In a way it just seemed like I didn't really matter that much for him to even try. I know he's not super romantic but I wasn't expecting rose petals on my bed and him reciting poetry. I just wanted something ... a card would have been enough. But he said he had nothing for me - what a wonderful end to an already wonderful day.
I go to work on Thursday because I know I have to. Doesn't matter that I'm taking vicadin every 4 hours and am useless as tits on a bull but I'm there. I make it somehow through the day and that night was the quarterfinals for the SAP Open. Even though I reaaally wanted to go, I wasn't really wanting to go. Robert, our co-owner of the company, had amazing seats, so Truc, Cathy and I went with him. We had dinner at the Grill at the Arena, which is decent but amazingly overpriced. I had prime rib and man it was yummy. Downside of the vicadin is that I'm sound sensitive it seems. Didn't used to have this problem but when things get really loud, it hurts my wittle head. God it was annoying and made me so freaking cranky.
It ended up that all the matches went to 3 rounds or sets or whatever and so we go catch the end of James Blake versus some other guy. I wanted Blake to win but sadly, he lost. He was pretty gracious though afterwards and still signed a million autographs. That was pretty damned cool.
The next match was Marat Safin versus Lu. Since I am in the valley, every Asian and their brother was rooting for Lu. And yes, even though I love Asian men, I had to root for Safin. Mainly because of Ron but secondly, I think he's secretly a God. He's truly a handsome man and wow, he's tall. It was close at times but Safin pulled through and won which was awesome. This match also went to three sets/rounds/whatever and it was 11pm by then and I was so freaking tired.
We couldn't leave though because Roddick was up next. He was playing some kid from San Jose so I was secretly praying to the tennis Gods to make it quick. The kid was pretty damned impressive though and held his own for a while. And man o man... you can so tell the Jimmy Conners is Roddick's coach. What a mouth on him!! Since we were in the third row, we could totally hear him. It was pretty damned funny. Thankfully it only lasted two sets and I finally got home. Man I was beat.
As if not getting enough sleep would be a hindrance, work was hell. Jim was all cranky and basically being a fucking dick towards me. I wasn't in the mood for it so I just ignored him and stayed at my desk. Then I was interrupted a million times by everyone, making it hard to get any work done and I had so much to do. So I was thoroughly annoyed all day. To make matters worse, a few of the engineers do this "I can't reproduce it, so it doesn't exist." WTF is that!? So yea.. that kinda got to me too.
Later tonight, Joel asked for me to make a decision - should he go play volleyball or should he come spend time with me? I asked if he was working out tomorrow, thinking that if he worked out tomorrow, then missing volleyball tonight wouldn't be a big deal but he got all irked for some reason, like it wasn't a good enough reason to blow off volleyball. Because my day was going so well already, I got irritated and said he should just go to volleyball - if he couldn't find a reason to spend time with me, then he should do what he enjoys. Obviously spending time with me needs a reason.
Sometimes I wonder WTF I'm doing. Even though I think that he's fine with being with me, there are times that I feel like he's just settling for now and will bail the first chance something better comes along. I also really don't feel very loved, wanted or appreciated at the moment. I hate to say it but when I got home and I knew that he had been there to pick something up but didn't bother to stay to say hi, I was even sadder. Like break down into tears sad. Then I wonder even more WTF am I doing.
I know Valentine's Day is probably the underlying culprit here. There have been times that I wonder if Joel even cares for me the same as I care for him - because you know in relationships, someone ALWAYS likes the other person more. Maybe it's natural to question the nature of things as time progresses or maybe I'm just realizing that "he's just not that into me." I want to feel WANTED. Like crazy, can't keep your hands to yourself wanted. And I don't sense that. He gives me a million hugs, which I love and little kisses but I'm secretly afraid that he's just not sexually attracted to me.
When you get to know a person, they tell you about their past. He told me about his exes and the crazy amount of sex they used to have and I sit here and wonder why we're not having that amount. I mean seriously I loooove sex and I might get it once a week. Maybe. And I initiate it. So you take all that and roll it into a moment of insecurity - or a big chunk of time like right now and it starts eating at you. You read little things like how he looks at you. Is he just looking at me when I'm undressing because he wants me? Or is that look one of disgust? I can't tell ... but he's definitely not touching me, that's for sure.
So there you have it. All my nice little insecurities have boiled nicely to the top and I feel like crap. I just want to pull the covers over my head and cry. I feel so unsexy and unwanted ... and why? Because of a guy. When did I become so weak that my life actually depends on the approval, love or affection of another person? Or have I always been this week?
He has mentioned no plans of seeing me this 3 day weekend which also saddens me. He's got plans tomorrow and Sunday ... who knows about Monday but I mentioned something yesterday about doing something and I got a "we'll see what kind of mood I am in." Either he's pulling away ... or obviously I'm not very high on the list of "things to do." It just makes my heart heavy, ya know? And then I wonder why do I bother ... stupid stupid stupid.
Part of me wants to address it ... to bring it out in the open but I know I'll break down crying. I hate crying. And the other part that is holding me back is never ask a question you're not ready to hear. I'm not ready to hear that he has no feelings for me. Or that he just isn't that into me. I guess ignorance is bliss. Or slow torturous pain.