August 18, 2007:
If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for
you...you may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing
we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down.
~Mary Pickford
Well those days of happiness were short lived bliss.
Thursday afternoon, our company announced a re-org. No big deal really
because we knew something was bound to happen. With Motorola taking
over the source and then outsourcing it to India - we figured there was
going to be a bit of rearranging of people and duties. The published
apps side was still thriving but the OEM side was slowly dying. So when
they announced the re-org, I wasn't too surprised or worried.
What I wasn't ready for was my company appointing a lead to the QA
department. I've been at the company for 3 years now this month and
during the entire time, we didn't really have a lead. The first QA guy
was made a lead because he "HAD" to be one but other than that, we
didn't need one. Through those 3 years, I've been through all the shit.
The long 16 hour days of working with Samsung alone, the lack of work
while waiting for the next project, the training of new QA people,
interns, engineers, whoever - I did it, the suffering and stumbling
through the implementing of new processes, software, hair brained ideas
- I've dealt with everything. I know the engineers and QA people -
their strengths, their weakness, their buttons. But yesterday
afternoon, my new boss (not my friend Jim - he's not my boss anymore)
took me into his office and asked how I would feel if someone else was
my lead. I told him it depended on who it was... and honestly, I would
be insulted.
I was never asked if I wanted to be lead or where I wanted to go in the
company. When I was hired, I was a greenie and had very little
experience. It would have been fairly presumptuous to say "I want to be
a lead." when I was completely new at the position. But since then,
I've taken classes in several fields, stepped up to the plate whenever
needed or not even asked and I really feel like I excelled at my
position. With their decision, obviously they didn't.
Needless to say I was upset. I had hoped to have become lead when it
came to that point and time but from what Scott, my new boss said,
someone was else appointed, it didn't even appear I was considered for
the position. And it hurt. A lot. And it still does.
After talking to Jim, apparently I was considered for the position but
still lost out. I don't know why or what their reasons are for not
picking me but I think next week I'll ask. The real question is now
what?
I really don't want to stay with the company if I'm not valued. I
really feel slighted and in a way, betrayed. And to me, there is a
level of respect that will be lost within the company because if
management didn't want to advance me - why would a mere engineer care
what I say? So there is that and if the company doesn't value me or my
work - so why should I stay and work so bloody hard? The mere fact they
lump me into a group with a guy who is inefficient and basically a
horrible QA person - is just plain insulting? This guy needs
micromanaging - and I don't. I need a direction and a goal - and I'm
gone. So it is so insulting to give me a babysitter.
The hardest thing for me right now is this is such a huge blow to my
self-esteem. I take great pride in being a good employee. I may not be
the one who's in at 7am and leave at 10pm but I'm so good at my job,
there is no need for that. I'm efficient - I know what's going on not
only in my projects but the others as well. I like knowing the big
picture. So when something like this happens, I can't help but feel
that management must think I suck somehow. And then all those feelings
lead into - man, I must really suck. In everything. This magnifies all
my flaws and now instead of seeing anything good in me - all I see is
what a failure I am. And fuck me, this sucks.
While trying to rationalize it all - I tried to look at it objectively.
The person who they picked has been a lead before. I give them that.
But she's been at the company a little over a year and really, she's
only worked on one project and a few engineers. So I compare that with
my history at the company and I'm confused. I have to say that I do
think she's awesome. If there was anyone I would trust as a QA person -
it would be her. But do I suck that much compared to her?
When a few of the management saw I was upset - they tried to tell me it
wasn't personal and how hard of a decision it was to make. One even
went so far to tell me there is a possibility of needing another lead
down the road. While all those words are nice and fluffy - how can it
not be personal? I mean, I understand that no one was sitting there
going "I'm going to fuck up Sasha's day and not make her lead." But
personal as in there is something that I lack - that I cannot offer -
and therefore wouldn't make a good lead. That's personal to me. As for
the needing another lead ... it seems hard to imagine that for 3 years
we didn't need ANY lead and then in less a year, we're supposed to need
2? Um sure.
If you take all that ... plus the fact that I'm the lowest paid QA
person in the group, I think it's time to move on. It just really sucks
because this is such a blow to my self esteem and confidence. And it
will be hard to fake having that confidence in interviews.
So yesterday sucked. And it just really feels like my wind has been blown out of my sails.
Meh.