April 29, 2007:

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
~ Carrie Fisher

Another weekend has passed. They seem to get shorter and shorter! I'm all for the 2 day work week and 5 day weekend, I tell you!!

Friday was fairly mellow. I went grocery shopping and stocked up on things I'll need over the next few weeks. This grocery store I'm testing out had fabulous deals on fruit too, so I had to pick some up. I'm trying to eat healthier - and fruit and yogurt seems to be a staple now.

Saturday morning was hockey practice at Logitech. And I didn't go. I don't know what I was thinking when I signed up for an 8am class. I'm not a morning person - why do I bother trying to be one!?!? I should have just taken the 11pm Skate & Shoot at another rink, the 7pm skills class at yet a different rink and play in the women's league. But nooo... I spent money on a class that I don't go to. And then feel all guilty about it.

So I did some other things around the house - I made some cookies for work, laundry, cleaning,etc. But then I watched the Sharks game - which started out awesome and ended in disappointment. I don't know what happened but man - the Sharks blew a 2 goal lead. Hopefully they bounce back - I have a bet riding on it now.

It was pretty hot, so Joel came over to enjoy our central air. I was super mellow and relaxed, so I actually laid down to take a nap. There was a skills class in Redwood City I was thinking about going to and when the time came to leave - Joel asked if I was leaving or not.

I wasn't really in the mood, so I said nah and kinda went back to sleep. I know this sounds all granola crunchy and all but I could sense he wasn't happy with my decision. I asked if he was upset I wasn't going (not that he was going - he just seems to like to see me "do" things) and he said he was. The next thing out of his mouth was that it seemed like I was being "lazy" - and that basically pissed me off.

I didn't say anything but I was kinda fuming. I'm definitely not lazy. I do tons. And as I ran through a mental list in my head - I got more and more pissed. So I said something - and we had our first fight.

Surprisingly, I wasn't pissed after I said something. Partially because I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. And I'm sure if I had a guilty conscience and thought maybe I was lazy, I would have been defensive or more upset. But I'm not. And all in all, he didn't really mean it.

Basically it came down to the fact that he's very active and I'm not. When we first met, I told him that I had been learning to play hockey but was taking the season off. I also was losing weight and working out. Apparently I told him I was working out six times a week and even though at one point, I was and aimed to always do that - I learned after a while it wasn't realistic with school, work and hockey. There just wasn't enough time and I was actually wearing myself out.

So he was sitting there all these months thinking I was full of crap basically. I get that - perception is always different from one person to another. But it's not like I stopped dieting or trying to lose weight. It just slowed down - a lot! I didn't gain much of the weight I had lost - only about 4 lbs and I hadn't given up the goal to continue to lose. I won't because I want to get back to where I was once!! But he wouldn't know this because these are my thoughts and all he saw was that I wasn't working out and now, not going to hockey practice.

I adore Joel but he's terribly shallow. Not a horrific shallow - he just likes "fit" or "athletic" women. Or at least women who are active. You don't have to have a perfect body (God knows I don't) but I'm sure if I did, he'd be happier than a pig in mud. But I'm not going to have a perfect body, nor will I ever - even if I was a gym rat. I'm built like a shit brickhouse - have huge shoulders, no waist, long legs, little or no ass and a pot belly. The size of the pot belly varies but overall - I will never look amazing or like Gabrielle Reese.  This is just a sad reality of my body.

And yes, I'm overweight - this is something I've fought with my entire life and I'll always be aware of until I lose a good 40 lbs. And even after I lose all that weight - I'll still have to be focused on not gaining it back. Another sad reality. I would be probably be pretty damned close to a perfect weight if I lost 40lbs. Twenty would be great - thirty even better - forty perfect. Anything more than that? I don't know if I could first and foremost or if in trying to be that weight if I'd be healthy. Thanks to the media and all those perfect bodies out there, I'd kill to be 5'6 and 120lbs but with my body - it's unlikely.

So we're discussing all this and I kinda clarify for him what my goals are and where I'm going - and I suddenly realize that when we started dating, he was dating me for my potential. Not for what I was right then but this eventual perfect me. That kinda shocked me but it explained a lot of "vibes" I had picked up from him.

Basically - yes - I am improving but I can't give anyone, even myself, a timeline or guarantee I'll be what Joel wants in a woman. And if he can't love me for what I am now? I doubt he'll ever be able to. But that's his deal - not mine. Wouldn't that be freaking Murphy's Law - I lose 40 lbs and he dumps me because I'm still not "perfect."

That was the oddest fight I've ever had because I wasn't upset during it. And it was a stupid fight if anything. I'm not losing weight or getting in shape for anyone but me. I did that before and wrecked my body - so fuck that and fuck anyone who pressures me into it. I'm doing it right this time and even though the weight dropped like rocks at first and slowed down, it doesn't mean that I'm content with where I am. But I'd rather do it slow and keep it off forever instead of drop it all and get it all back in a month.

In addition to all that, the last thing he told me was that he was hesitant to introduce me to his family because they would talk shit about me because I was "big." After we talked, he said that he didn't care anymore but the funny part is I don't want to meet them now. I really wanted to meet his grandparents because they were so important to him but now? Man, the last thing I need is people talking crap about me. I want his parents, grandparents and family to be happy he found a wonderful person to date - not have them smile politely at me and then go in the kitchen and talk shit about me. Or watch what I eat at their house, then gossip like hens about "Did you see how much she ate?!?" Whatever ... I don't want to deal with that shit. Joel's birthday is in June  and before then, I have to decide what I'm going to do.

So that's been what I've been pondering. And I'm not really sad or mad about it - I'm just disheartened about it. I mean - I'm not a freaking whale by any means. I'm definitely overweight but what about the rest of me? Is it so easy to discard?

Some of what we talked about also ties into what his friend said to him about not understanding why Joel was dating me. Basically he's surprised because I am "big" and his friend is usually attracted to Joel's girlfriends where as he isn't to me. Well - fuck you. I didn't realize it was a prerequisite to want to fuck your friend's boyfriends/girlfriends in order to give approval. Why can't people just be happy that they found someone and they aren't psycho?!

Sorry about that .... this entry is sort of like a rant I guess.

Anyways, I spent Saturday night cleaning - more laundry, entering cards into the database and ripping CDs. My goal was to finish this huuuuge case of CDs and I just finished. Man that feels good. Now if I could only list all those fucking hockey cards and get it over with.

This morning was pretty much the same as last night - basically cleaning the house and doing miscellaneous crap. I didn't finish everything I wanted to do but I'll probably work on it tomorrow and Tuesday. Such a lazy ass.  >:)  God I just want to get my shit in order so I don't have piles of shit to go through. I like being organized!!

After being all domestic, I went to Cathy's and we drove up to hockey practice together. It was a decent practice - I need to work on skating though. Maybe I'll go to public skate on Tuesday to get some practice in. I'm definitely getting better though - I can tell that much.

And now? I'm home ... and off to bed. My blog is updated .... and I'm ready for the coming week.